Svp, je dois pisser, monsieur.
So, I really have to wee right now. Writing about it is probably not the best idea, but what the fuck else can I do?
When I am not being monitored or restricted in terms of my pee schedule, I don't think about it too much. I just go or don't go. I can hold it forever. Hours and hours. In fact, I almost never go at work, but for the last two or three days, I have had to go so much. I think this is because A) I can't go when I want, B) if I am in the bathroom for other...uh, more womb-anly reasons...I can't help but go, and C) he's making me drink only water, and tons of it. I need that soda sugar and sodium to dehydrate me and make me not pee so much.
He has been very kind to me and not told me that I couldn't go if I have asked. I sort of don't trust that he will let me because he has been known to do just that during some of our longer conversations, so yesterday I did something rather questionable in terms of social appropriateness. I think it shocked him a little how far I would go for the chance to pee, but I think it shocked me more how I would go to that length rather than ask.
I will have to go later tonight before I go to sleep, but I haven't got any more chances. I went once this morning. Then when I got to work I got twice at work and two times when I get home. They're all gone. I swear my body is trying to fuck with me.
This rule has been hard for me, and I am preoccupied with it. I think in combination with the rule about my panties, I am absorbed by my cunt, and for once, not in a sexual way. Though, I have to admit, I want to touch all the time. And sometimes I do. Not for long. Just brush my hand over my pussy, run my fingers through my new fluff, which is softer than I remember. Sometimes, when I am very bold, tap my clit gently with the back of my hand. Only once because I start thinking about how very naughty it is indeed and how beligerent Johnny might get. It makes my heart speed up, so I stop and press my thighs together really tight and try to concentrate on something else.
So, he seems to want to punish me for some reason. I told him that I wasn't wearing panties cause when I came home I showered off a bit and then put on pajamas. A girl wants freshies around her hoohoo, you know? He called it a loophole and told me that from now on, I must wear panties until 10pm. I'll start that tomorrow. I want to feel clean tonight. All this makes me feel so grubby. But I told him I hadn't done anything, and he played that infuriating bullshit card of "you do it because I say you will." I hate that card. It's low. Hear that, Johnny? LOW.
I want controlled. I am more comfortable this way. Somehow tethered. But at the same time, I want to fight it with every fiber of my being. I am uncomfortable all the time, used to autonomy, used to being unhampered. I want it and I hate it. And not superficially, either. I absolutely hate the fact that he knows all, that I could lie to him so easily, but just as my body betrays my resistance, it too betrays my indiscretions. I have to confess. I have to tell him everything.
And I feel foolish and stupid and weak. And I am harder on myself than he is on me, feeling the failure, but comfortable there. He is never relaxed enough to allow minor slipping, but he is quick to reward and to offer forgiveness when I am honest. And I hate above all, that this could be a game to him and he could grow bored easily, and that I have become in a very large way both connected with him and dependent on him. I hate the dependency. It feels so opulent and so pretentious, so needy and disgusting.
And so I have this dilemma. I will need to pee again tonight.
When I am not being monitored or restricted in terms of my pee schedule, I don't think about it too much. I just go or don't go. I can hold it forever. Hours and hours. In fact, I almost never go at work, but for the last two or three days, I have had to go so much. I think this is because A) I can't go when I want, B) if I am in the bathroom for other...uh, more womb-anly reasons...I can't help but go, and C) he's making me drink only water, and tons of it. I need that soda sugar and sodium to dehydrate me and make me not pee so much.
He has been very kind to me and not told me that I couldn't go if I have asked. I sort of don't trust that he will let me because he has been known to do just that during some of our longer conversations, so yesterday I did something rather questionable in terms of social appropriateness. I think it shocked him a little how far I would go for the chance to pee, but I think it shocked me more how I would go to that length rather than ask.
I will have to go later tonight before I go to sleep, but I haven't got any more chances. I went once this morning. Then when I got to work I got twice at work and two times when I get home. They're all gone. I swear my body is trying to fuck with me.
This rule has been hard for me, and I am preoccupied with it. I think in combination with the rule about my panties, I am absorbed by my cunt, and for once, not in a sexual way. Though, I have to admit, I want to touch all the time. And sometimes I do. Not for long. Just brush my hand over my pussy, run my fingers through my new fluff, which is softer than I remember. Sometimes, when I am very bold, tap my clit gently with the back of my hand. Only once because I start thinking about how very naughty it is indeed and how beligerent Johnny might get. It makes my heart speed up, so I stop and press my thighs together really tight and try to concentrate on something else.
So, he seems to want to punish me for some reason. I told him that I wasn't wearing panties cause when I came home I showered off a bit and then put on pajamas. A girl wants freshies around her hoohoo, you know? He called it a loophole and told me that from now on, I must wear panties until 10pm. I'll start that tomorrow. I want to feel clean tonight. All this makes me feel so grubby. But I told him I hadn't done anything, and he played that infuriating bullshit card of "you do it because I say you will." I hate that card. It's low. Hear that, Johnny? LOW.
I want controlled. I am more comfortable this way. Somehow tethered. But at the same time, I want to fight it with every fiber of my being. I am uncomfortable all the time, used to autonomy, used to being unhampered. I want it and I hate it. And not superficially, either. I absolutely hate the fact that he knows all, that I could lie to him so easily, but just as my body betrays my resistance, it too betrays my indiscretions. I have to confess. I have to tell him everything.
And I feel foolish and stupid and weak. And I am harder on myself than he is on me, feeling the failure, but comfortable there. He is never relaxed enough to allow minor slipping, but he is quick to reward and to offer forgiveness when I am honest. And I hate above all, that this could be a game to him and he could grow bored easily, and that I have become in a very large way both connected with him and dependent on him. I hate the dependency. It feels so opulent and so pretentious, so needy and disgusting.
And so I have this dilemma. I will need to pee again tonight.
posted by macaroon at 6:50 PM
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