How It Goes

We're talking about something new, but not so different. We've tried it on a superficial level before. I think that part of me always wanted someone to have absolute control. I don't know why I look to defer to someone else, but there is a definitive security in it. I get off on being beholden, and lucky girl that I am, he gets off on bossing me around (admit it, bitches...you do). We talked about real life expectations:

Johnny: I sit down and you stand in front of me. You tell me about any rules you've broken, or things you need to admit.

lola: And when I say not a one?

Johnny: You get spanked anyway, but only twenty, and I’d check some. I’d make sure I had ways of finding out. …I lay you across my lap, undo your pants if you’re wearing them, or lift your skirt up…your pants down around your ankles. I’d either pull your panties down around your knees, or pull them up, twisting them around two of my fingers so they stretch between your ass and cunt lips…then spank you, hard, so it sinks in and you'll feel it during the night, when we go out to eat. If you’re good, you get a spanked butt, a fucked, sloppy cunt, and the taste of me. After I'm done you apologize, tell me what you did wrong, and if you don’t miss anything, I pull your panties back up, fix your skirt or pants, and let you stand.

lola: I think it's a lot of commitment, but I'm in. I'm going to have to work on the ego part and the compulsion to constantly lie to you part, though. Yeah, I'm going to lie a lot. I can already tell. And I am going to get really good at convincing myself that I am not actually breaking any rules.

But for now, I am about to turn over my life to him. Little things, big things. Allowing my luxuries, my needs, and my biological rights to be under his control. And though he did say that if there was something that would interfere with my day-to-day life, he would hear me out and negotiate, he never said he would stay away from those things.

It's scary. Good scary.

I want his rules. I want to break them. I want consistancy and predictability. I want to be able to shake off other shit and focus through this. I want to know that no matter what else happens, changes, is cast into chaos, I can believe that this is here and will always be. Perhaps that's why this looks so good to me right now.

I do not underestimate the level at which he has to commit, to endure, to be patient, to supress disappointment, to sacrifice, and to do things he might not want to in order to make this happen. I am grateful that he would try at all. How easy is it to take the parts you want...precious little cumslut to service you, whore and slave to beat, to fuck, to use. He could ignore every need of mine and say that really, that's what I want. That's what I want. But what I need. Different.

I need this the same way that a child does; limits. It's a lot to ask. I'm lucky I haven't had to. Not out loud. It's so hard to ask. It's easier to push and push, hope that someone sees it, gives it to me. And the rest of my life I will be grateful, I will be loyal and I will give you anything to make up for it.