Confession No. 1 (Follow Up)

It is good. My punishment.

I mean I hate it. It feels like he took everything, but not without purpose. I had five instructions, and I was only capable of completing one entirely. And additionally, even though I can't control my thoughts to the extent that I should, I was absolutely wrong to entertain them, even as briefly as I did.

They are as follows:

1. No new panties until I'm told. No clean panties for a week.
2. I am allowed to wee only two times in a day. After that I have to ask for permission. If I don't get a response, I don't get to go.
3. I must drink at least two liters of water a day.
4. I am not allowed any other beverages.
5. I am only allowed lukewarm showers.
6. No chocolate of any kind for a week.
7. I am to purchase Hostess chocolate cupcakes every morning and carry them around, and when I get home, take them out, smell them and throw them in the trash.
8. I am only allowed two hours of television per night.

This morning on the way to work, after I had bought my stupid taunting cupcakes, I thought about how thorough all of these new rules have been. They really do several things. First, and foremost, they remind me very clearly that I am not in charge of my belongings or my body. They also show me that everything in my life is now a priviledge to be negotiated by Him alone.

Third, they are meant to torure me. Drinking a huge amount and having to wait to pee only when he allows it. To the extent where he might force me to have an accident? Making me carry around treats that I know I can't have? Fiend.

Additionally, they are meant to deny me. To show me that what I have, what I desire, I am no longer allowed. I didn't deserve it because I was disobedient.

In short, he took everything, and I can't complain because I deserved every part of it. I am his to use, to play with, to treat however he thinks I deserve. If I am a good girl and I behave, I might get to feel good, treats, praise.

If I am not...sigh.

I know that things got messed up at the end of our day, Sir. I loved your email. I love when you say those sorts of things to me that remind me that you are thinking about me. I know it's a responsibility and you don't need more baggage in your life, and so I am grateful for everything you do and all the time you spend on me. I adore you.

I was good today. I tried really hard to follow everything I was meant to. Please remember that you said you would be forgiving for real mistakes. That shower thing was a loophole, I know. And you got more specific so it won't happen again. But, I went to change and my pajamas were in the bathroom and I just went. I totally forgot. In fact, I didn't even notice until I saw the rules in this post and then I had to think about it and try to remember if I went. I'm pretty sure I did. We didn't get to talk about tonight, cause when I left it was abrupt, and there were no explanations in your email, so I'll tell you what I am going to do. I'll only go once more tonight before bed (I'll text first, but you might be asleep), but I'll wait until midnight and if it isn't okay, I'll count it as one for tomorrow.

I'm really trying. I want to make this up to you and show you I can be a good girl. These rules make me feel really little somehow, but also, really intent on trying to please you. Thank you for them.

Yours.