Happy Little Cores

I have been happy everyday.

And that's hard. Especially now. It's fucking hard to stay happy with the shit that's going on in my life right now. It will soon be over, but the whole time, all I can think about is Johnny. Well, not all, but he never leaves my thoughts.

He's been talking kink with me to cheer me up. Grin. It works. I've been planning for the reality of it. We've always talked about stories and situations, sort of fantasically hashed out some scenarios. But when you make it singular that way, you sort of start to see it as an event, or a system of events. Similar themes, but not a lifestyle. And "lifestyle" makes everything sound so gaymo.

I don't want to be featured on HBO's Real Sex. I don't want to be the voice for my kink, or the representative of a "lifestyle." I just want it to work for me and work for me all the time. I want to know that there's a totality to it, a completeness that permeates every aspect of my life. I want to know that at any moment, despite the circumstances, he could shove me under the table to suck him, to eat off the floor, just to sit at his feet. I know I trust him and that his goal is not to do any of this to impress someone else. If he were to oblige his whim it would be because I needed it, he wanted it, or simply, because he could. I want to know that it's not impulsive, it's deliberate because he wants me that way, all the time.

It's probably why I have no problem shifting radically between mind frames. One second I can be on my knees, begging him to cum, saying twisted, dirty things. Half a breath later, a good girl tucked into my little fake bed, being read to and sucking my thumb. I can go from smart-ass to fearful obedient; puppy, slave, cumslut, babygirl. It's not about making time for all these aspects of us, but about a constant state of response, adjusting to each other and feeding an ongoing, ever-evolving dynamic.



And I fought it a long time. I still fight it. But that's my own issue. I fight it because I am insanely afraid of it. How did I become a girl who was afraid of getting what she wants? I am afraid of what I want most of all: to not be in control anymore. Not everywhere. I am still an adult with responsibilities and obligations. But in control of me. I have been so in control of me; I never let anyone in, or I let them have everything. I do because they needed that, not because I wanted that. But at some level now, I have the option of letting him have that. I can give that to him. And in return, all I have to do is make him happy. I would want to do that in any case. And so we can both be happy; we can both be awake and engaged and alive our whole lives.

Confidants. Kindreds. Halves. Soul mates. Happy little cores.

I am so happy. And I get it for the rest of my life. I am his for the rest of my life. I'm a lucky girl. The following is not intended to expose Johnny for his romantic and sensitive nature, but it can only be repressed for so long, you know. Grin.


Johnny: Look after my core, I'm looking after yours.

lola: I will take good care of your core, baby. I'm making it my own.

Johnny shows lola her core box, opens it a little, so she can hear her core chatting to his on the little phone.

Johnny: Kay.

lola: Oh, my core's such a talker! It never shuts up.

Johnny: Um hm! Grin.

lola: Your core must be soooo bored.

Johnny: They're together too, though, but in core space. Grin. Nah, he loves it.

lola: He's like, "Fuckin' A! It won't shut up!" Your core says ‘fuckin' a.’

Johnny: Grin. He's such a sell-out sometimes.

lola: Once he said ‘effing a,’ but my core giggled and now he's hyper-sensitive.

Johnny: Awww, the silly little core. They’re adorable though.

lola: Yeah, my core's been trying to say ‘effing a’ a lot now to make yours feel more comfortable. If that doesn't work, my core's thinking: LAPDANCE.

Johnny: Grin. Nice. That'd be good.

lola: Well, my core is pretty creative in it's simple, simple needs.