Email Excerpts

lola to Johnny:

…I want to give you everything, I want you to own every part of me and run all areas of my life. I want you to control everything. I want you to say do this and I want to do it, without question, because I belong to you. But it feels like every time I do that, this other part of you—it’s the human part, I know—but this part of you gets in the way. Part of Domming, as I understand it, and maybe the part you don't really like, is the forgiveness, the understanding, [your commitment to your own] infallibility, the persistence of your will despite the circumstances. I don't want it to sound like I'm saying ‘suck it up, don't be disappointed,’ but there is a way that this dynamic takes work for both of us. I keep getting so close to these things, and then having to shut back off and it's making me really frustrated…

Johnny to lola:
…Our thing has a lot of elements. We both want your story, we both want the nurturing and the teaching and training. And I think there is a distinction that we both feel between the two, and as far as I know, is okay with you. I never say that some things I'm doing for your own good, if I'm doing them because I like it, or to establish dominance, then that's the reason, but you don't need the reason. Other things are for your own good, and not about me at all. In both ways though there is a consequence for what you do, good or bad. I don't sulk, or feel hurt, because I [would] have recourse. And that's what's hard about now. To some extent I don't, other than taking things away, mainly mine or parts of me. I react the way most people would because the limitations and boundaries of most relationships are imposed. When I get annoyed about something like you on the phone, or you typing for the 5th time when I've told you to stop, I only have three ways to go with it. Ignore it and suck up the annoyance, which fucks the whole dynamic, undermining it and making it a game, and frustrates us. Get angry, which is what I'd do if I was there, or switch off and/or leave. You don't want me to leave, and even when I do for a small while and tell you I'll be back, you criticize this. I can suck it up, but I'm not a saint, it doesn't really help anything since you get annoyed by this and push harder. Or I get angry. I can’t act that out physically, or make you do things, so it becomes verbal, and since I don’t want to hurt you that way, frustrating and futile… I will get angry, because this isn’t a game. I can deal with that and make this happen anyway, I see how hard this is for you and I'm trying to improve it and not make our thing something that has to be dealt with right now; I think I've done that. You're asking a lot though, baby: To want you in a fucked up, primal way that makes the thought of you with someone else sickening and painful. The understanding about how things are, that I should deal with that, not play when I want to, not just take or demand. I'm not saying it's hard, just a fairly evolved fucking thing to do. It's kind of perfect man territory. Your life is just as hard right now, to do this relationship well and let it be what it could be is hard for both of us, it needs very different things that take a lot of commitment. We have to let go and control in a way that's not something you get taught…

lola to Johnny:
…The way our kink is developing now, the mindset that I am building in reference to thinking about you, it hinges on how much you can break me down. I think there is a huge challenge in it. I think that I have a very real, very big mental block about stations and superiority/inferiority, I have my own arrogance and my own ego, and that it's not simply a matter of you enforcing will on me, but me wanting to make your will my own, wanting to please you above anyone else, and being able to in a consistent and predictable manner. All of that is still contingent upon proximity, which clearly we're still working on. But, in a straightforward way, I am just asking you to be patient some when I am in a vulnerable headspace. It really fucks me up to not be able to please you when I am trying so hard… On the one hand, I am subject to my circumstances and those things can't be helped. On the other, I do push you when I want to get more boundaries. I really hated time out today, but it changed my attitude. I could feel it. I hate not having you though, and I am scared that you're going to see how much that works and use that more than any other punishment and I am going to be very unhappy. Part of pushing is wanting punishment, liking that response, knowing that I will get exactly what I expect for each behavior. But those negative behaviors are negative for a reason and if you wanted them to stop, you could just take yourself away, and I would hate that. I would hate it enough to stop whatever you asked me to stop, but I would be frustrated and angry cause I wouldn't know how to get what I want. It sucks to crave punishment and know You know that, and know that You won't see it as a punishment if I want it. It becomes this twisted little head game that I can't stop, and it makes me miserable… I don't want to ask too much. I know that in a way, you must feel a little lonely in all of this, since it seems that the expectation is on you. And it is. And thank you. Really, thank you for all of this. I think it's easy for me to sub because I feel like I owe you so much for what your role is [and for what you subsequently do for me]. I would do anything for you. I owe you everything, and anything you can take from my body, my will, my words, is not near what I want to give you…