mine or Yours
"If you touch anything around the tit[s], ass or pussy area, including said areas, you will be blamed...and punished."
So, he pissed off for no good reason. I don't think it's fair to just ditch me because I'm better at a game I didn't even choose to play. So, now I'm all alone in my house with nothing to do. And I'm considering what he said.
It could be some terrible punishment, or it could be something not so bad.
It's probably not a great idea to be posting right now, as it will give him a lot of insight into the amount of forethought that goes into these decisions for me. On the one hand, I'm a child and pissed off that I didn't get my way, that I didn't get to finish my game, that I had this whole day free and I won't tomorrow or the next day or the weekend, and he pisses off to watch bullshit TV that I only get to watch for 2.5 hours a day. I'm bored too, you know. I wanted to hang out and have fun too, you know. And so, it's a knee-jerk response.
And in a way, it's more than that. Much more.
And right now, with all my mindframe's bouncing back and forth all over the place, there's stuff I want from you too. I want consistancy. I want you here. I want that a lot. I didn't think I could make it clearer today. But you leaving, makes me not want you here at all. I feel really vunerable in terms of how I am setting up my responsorial mindframe right now. And it could go one way, and I can assume that there will always be inconsistancy and I can learn to pick and choose and read the situation, and maybe often get it wrong and maybe not be always be submissive and accquiesce.
Or it can go another way, and I can expect that you will be consistant. If you are, then my response will always be the same. If you want that, if you want me to learn to do what you say everytime you ask, to be immediate and to offer all final decisions to you, then you can't do this. I hate this. And I want to hurt you back now.
I want to take it all back and make it mine again. I want to do the opposite of what you say and make everything mine. I am embarassed about all of this. I don't like wanting you in all my everything. It makes me feel weak and stupid and too "female" and needy. I hate it and you're not here, so I have to take it all back. And how else to take it back than to make my body my own again.
I sort of feel like I am on the edge of something right now, and that I shouldn't get angry at you when I want you to see that, know what it is, and do it right. But I want you to. It's irrational, but I want it. And like you, I don't want to tell you what it is. Cause if I tell you, I think you won't give it to me cause you want to, but because I ask.
So, fuck off. I'm taking the rest of the day off. I'll decide for myself if it's mine or yours.
So, he pissed off for no good reason. I don't think it's fair to just ditch me because I'm better at a game I didn't even choose to play. So, now I'm all alone in my house with nothing to do. And I'm considering what he said.
It could be some terrible punishment, or it could be something not so bad.
It's probably not a great idea to be posting right now, as it will give him a lot of insight into the amount of forethought that goes into these decisions for me. On the one hand, I'm a child and pissed off that I didn't get my way, that I didn't get to finish my game, that I had this whole day free and I won't tomorrow or the next day or the weekend, and he pisses off to watch bullshit TV that I only get to watch for 2.5 hours a day. I'm bored too, you know. I wanted to hang out and have fun too, you know. And so, it's a knee-jerk response.
And in a way, it's more than that. Much more.
And right now, with all my mindframe's bouncing back and forth all over the place, there's stuff I want from you too. I want consistancy. I want you here. I want that a lot. I didn't think I could make it clearer today. But you leaving, makes me not want you here at all. I feel really vunerable in terms of how I am setting up my responsorial mindframe right now. And it could go one way, and I can assume that there will always be inconsistancy and I can learn to pick and choose and read the situation, and maybe often get it wrong and maybe not be always be submissive and accquiesce.
Or it can go another way, and I can expect that you will be consistant. If you are, then my response will always be the same. If you want that, if you want me to learn to do what you say everytime you ask, to be immediate and to offer all final decisions to you, then you can't do this. I hate this. And I want to hurt you back now.
I want to take it all back and make it mine again. I want to do the opposite of what you say and make everything mine. I am embarassed about all of this. I don't like wanting you in all my everything. It makes me feel weak and stupid and too "female" and needy. I hate it and you're not here, so I have to take it all back. And how else to take it back than to make my body my own again.
I sort of feel like I am on the edge of something right now, and that I shouldn't get angry at you when I want you to see that, know what it is, and do it right. But I want you to. It's irrational, but I want it. And like you, I don't want to tell you what it is. Cause if I tell you, I think you won't give it to me cause you want to, but because I ask.
So, fuck off. I'm taking the rest of the day off. I'll decide for myself if it's mine or yours.
posted by macaroon at 3:21 PM
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