Glorious Concession

I want to feel like you like me. I want to feel good about all of this. I'm selfish for not wanting to dread conversation, for wanting to not be hung up on.

I don't want to talk bullshit all the time. I'm going through big things right now, with big changes, that I want to change me. This job, graduation, a new school, a new place to live...and I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to change, just because you're not ready for it, just because you think I am going to leave you behind. I don't want to apologize for growing. I want you to support that. You talk about support all the time, but you don't really support me, not unconditionally. You support me if I stay the same.

But you've changed, you're someone different than I believed in the beginning too, almost literally. And I am willing to be flexible and to adjust to that, but you're not. Everything that happens to me is going to change me, I hope. Thank God it will, because stagnation is not living. It's ticking off time before death.

And so these stupid, cyclical arguments about petty bullshit mires me in inertia, and it's the worst thing for me. I have to push forward always, and I want someone to push forward with me, to change with me, to celebrate the fact that I am not a complete person and that understands that mistakes are possibilities to learn. Learning keeps me alive.

I'm going to put you back on admin because this is your place too. It was disrespectful and selfish of me to take you off because I was angry. I'm sorry that I did that. No one likes their shit messed with. You can post or not, it's your decision, of course.

Things are going to change, Johnny, because things are always changing. Fighting that makes me unhappy. I don't want to be afraid of change anymore.