AstroProjection, AstroReflection

I'm being punished. It's unconventional. And not.

I wonder if he sees it that way on his end. I know what it is. More deprivation. Only this time it's not biological needs, sexual urges. It's him. I was late and so I don't get him today. It's too bad, because I want him. I have wanted him really badly for the last couple of days.

I want to eat him, to fuck him, to scratch him and kiss him.

But he's angry right now. So I wonder how much he is impetuous, capricious. How much this is out of control and irratic, rash. Will he be back in a half an hour to look for me? To spend time with me? Will he be resolute and unfeeling this time? Will he not be back tonight?

A text: I understand that you had that to do, just some consideration yeah? You've been cocky as hell all day, you fucked off to take pictures earlier with no permission.

If I read into this...would I be that cocky? I would not. But then, I am not submissive at all right now. It's infuriating. Why am I doing this? I can see it and I should stop it. I feel like I am falling now though.

Another text. He is angry and I am am sincerely apologetic. I know you can read another attitude into this, but at some level I am doing this from outside my body. I don't know why. It's not that I don't want to take responsibility, because I did those things. I took him for granted, made stupid choices, and did it all with a relaxed attitude. He has every right to be angry and I should be punished. But sometimes I think he doesn't punish me because he thinks that I like it.

And I do like it. Just like any other submissive would like it. I like pain and I like controlled, boundaries. I like knowing where I am allowed and what is unacceptable. I like to be reminded so that these things don't happen. Sometimes I think that he doesn't punish me because he doesn't want me to think that I am winning with this behavior. But it is a circle that way. I fuck around because I want him to tell me where to get off and be consistent, predictable. He remains aloof and inconsistent because he knows it bothers me the most, he thinks it is the most appropriate punishment because it hurts the most. But punishment is only meant to hurt (punishment is vengence not justice), not correct, not modify.

I am worried that I will continue so long as I don't get what I want; and I am worried that he will withhold what I want so long as I continue.

He still thinks they are seperate. Life and the kink. He still thinks that "when it's serious" they should not overlap. But I can't help it. I remove value from things and I toy with them. I toy with him just to see. And he would be furious to know that it is about things that I should regard as off limits. But if this is not to be a game, I must know that his actions will be consistent whether or not he has an emotional stake. I have to know where I am safe to move within the kink. It's a fucked up way of pushing boundaries. It's really unacceptable on a very direct level, but I can't help it. I need to know sometimes. Why not now when it's not too late? When he can walk away if he wants to? When I am the strongest in my fragility.

lola: Be logical.
Johnny: Wow.
lola: I'm not persuading myself it's okay in any sense of the word.
Johnny: You’re so arrogant it's untrue. You are. Shame on me for that?! Really?
lola: Wow, you're so condescending it's untrue.
Johnny: lol Yeah. I'm the condescending one in this.
lola: Yeah, you're also obnoxiously sarcastic and rather insensitive, but that's beside the point.
Johnny: Yeah, alright.
lola: Well, this has been fun. I shouldn't have stayed. I'm sorry I fucked up your evening.
Johnny: You’ve only been on half an hour. Yeah, no worries; you don’t want to hear it so fine.
lola: Hear what?
lola: You're just going to continue to slag me off for the next hour off and on and get pissed off when I get testy and defensive.
Johnny: But I'm not taking shit all the time, and recently, as soon as things are level that’s where you go. And it’s not kink stuff. You’re resisting. Because you ignore anything kink that doesn’t suit you.
lola: You're so very wrong. You don't know shit about what's in my head. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
Johnny: Yeah, it doesn't suit.
lola: Yeah, you're an asshole.
Johnny: Thanks.
lola: Convenient, ain't it?
Johnny: Whatever, maybe I am.
lola: Swell. Apology accepted.
Johnny: Yeah. I can’t say shit, you don't want to know.
lola: You can say what ever the fuck you want. Just stop thinking that because you thought it, it's true. Maybe, just maybe, my arrogant little kettle, you don't know everything about everything and you might want to consider the dilemmas of assumption.
Johnny: Uh huh. Well, your blog says most of it. A lot of assumption isn’t needed. Our blog, sorry.
lola: Oh, deep, Johnny. That one will need stitches.
Johnny: I’m not saying just for that.
lola: Sure, yes.
Johnny: Yeah okay. I'm sorry, I don't want to draw you into an argument. You apologized.
lola: Good. Okay.