Mother Lie Pt. 2
And so before I went to bed I texted him. I tried to save it, but my SIM card was full, as it has been since he started texting me. So, I think I roughly said something about how I need us to get past this because I need to get past it. I feel uncomfortable when the balance of power shifts. Granted, our roles are not concrete nor even entirely defined, at this point. Moreover, I am not a submissive that can just shut down and submit. It takes effort and reaffirmation and continual testing followed by predictable denial. We were starting to get to the point where I had accepted that I had to ask for certain things: Can I please go to the bathroom? Can I please get up? Can I please touch? It's taken effort, but he has broken some of this down.
And so, going to this place where I have the control again has been really anxiety-inducing. We sort of started here, too. I've always been very committed to the discussion and researched this more than him. I think it was a little intimidating, especially because I'm all kink-confident and all. Anyway, I like the struggle, but I don't like the power. He worried about my reaction and so he was letting me set the pace. Don't get me wrong, I knew that he wanted to continue as we had been, but both of us got stuck, maybe still are stuck, in the idea that if that was going to be restablished, it would take work. Now, here it gets tricky. I have to be careful not to slip back into old patterns. When relationship stuff was hard for me before, I opted to let the other person lead and to make everything okay for them.
So, I was rather proud of myself for being secure enough to press my expectations. However, I must not forget that this is hard for him, too. And on the same level, if I want to regain what we had, I have to continue to focus on the fact that, above all circumstance, I chose him and I chose this. I still want this from him. I still need this, and so I thought, why not ask? It would be the best way to cut through the bullshit and show him that I want the dynamic. I want him to be in charge, to make decisions, to have ownership and so nothing has changed: I have to ask for what I want. Always.
It was the right thing and it felt good to hear: You're mine, from your tight cunt to your stunning blue eyes. All you say, do, own, consume. Mine. You're never a bother, you're a part of me, inseperable. I love you, my sweet, beautiful baby.
Cause you know that my already failing self-esteem plummeted when this happened. How could I have been so stupid and blind? And how could I still ask this of someone who started this to fuck around, clearly did not take it seriously, just wanted fun (as indicated by an early and unnecessay lie)? I wanted something so much more serious than that when I found him. I wasn't satisfied with superficial or with minimal. I felt like I forced it on him, and now to actually know how unprepared he was for all of this, how much of a burden it could be when he's just trying to get his own shit together, how can I continue to ask for it? And do I deserve it? I mean, really, I am a capable woman, a little disfunctional, but not more than most. I have advanced in life a regular intervals; I can do it all for myself. How am I asking Johnny to do that for me? Especially when he is at a part of his life that will take a tremendous amount of effort. Am I asking him to be superhuman?
But before all of this, I was beginning to accept an obligation to truth. And so, I still need this. No less than before. I am just trying to make sure he's capable, and that this need of mine isn't fucking up his life. Sometimes, I want to make sure that he wants this as much as I do.
My mom was telling me some advice she got from a friend: Make sure the man loves you more than you love him, because men's desires fizzle and change, lessen. You need a margin for erosion. It's just something I am thinking about. I'll come back to this, I'm sure.
But for now, he knows what I need and he trying to give it to me. I love when he has to enforce something. I like to fuck with him for a while and see how far he'll go, how creative he'll get. But as soon as he gets pissed off, I cave. Not because I am afraid of him, because really, I'm here, how much could he do? Grin. More because I don't like him pissed off. He is prone to emotionality and anger. Must be that he's at that age. Grin.
Teenagers.
And so, going to this place where I have the control again has been really anxiety-inducing. We sort of started here, too. I've always been very committed to the discussion and researched this more than him. I think it was a little intimidating, especially because I'm all kink-confident and all. Anyway, I like the struggle, but I don't like the power. He worried about my reaction and so he was letting me set the pace. Don't get me wrong, I knew that he wanted to continue as we had been, but both of us got stuck, maybe still are stuck, in the idea that if that was going to be restablished, it would take work. Now, here it gets tricky. I have to be careful not to slip back into old patterns. When relationship stuff was hard for me before, I opted to let the other person lead and to make everything okay for them.
So, I was rather proud of myself for being secure enough to press my expectations. However, I must not forget that this is hard for him, too. And on the same level, if I want to regain what we had, I have to continue to focus on the fact that, above all circumstance, I chose him and I chose this. I still want this from him. I still need this, and so I thought, why not ask? It would be the best way to cut through the bullshit and show him that I want the dynamic. I want him to be in charge, to make decisions, to have ownership and so nothing has changed: I have to ask for what I want. Always.
It was the right thing and it felt good to hear: You're mine, from your tight cunt to your stunning blue eyes. All you say, do, own, consume. Mine. You're never a bother, you're a part of me, inseperable. I love you, my sweet, beautiful baby.
Cause you know that my already failing self-esteem plummeted when this happened. How could I have been so stupid and blind? And how could I still ask this of someone who started this to fuck around, clearly did not take it seriously, just wanted fun (as indicated by an early and unnecessay lie)? I wanted something so much more serious than that when I found him. I wasn't satisfied with superficial or with minimal. I felt like I forced it on him, and now to actually know how unprepared he was for all of this, how much of a burden it could be when he's just trying to get his own shit together, how can I continue to ask for it? And do I deserve it? I mean, really, I am a capable woman, a little disfunctional, but not more than most. I have advanced in life a regular intervals; I can do it all for myself. How am I asking Johnny to do that for me? Especially when he is at a part of his life that will take a tremendous amount of effort. Am I asking him to be superhuman?
But before all of this, I was beginning to accept an obligation to truth. And so, I still need this. No less than before. I am just trying to make sure he's capable, and that this need of mine isn't fucking up his life. Sometimes, I want to make sure that he wants this as much as I do.
My mom was telling me some advice she got from a friend: Make sure the man loves you more than you love him, because men's desires fizzle and change, lessen. You need a margin for erosion. It's just something I am thinking about. I'll come back to this, I'm sure.
But for now, he knows what I need and he trying to give it to me. I love when he has to enforce something. I like to fuck with him for a while and see how far he'll go, how creative he'll get. But as soon as he gets pissed off, I cave. Not because I am afraid of him, because really, I'm here, how much could he do? Grin. More because I don't like him pissed off. He is prone to emotionality and anger. Must be that he's at that age. Grin.
Teenagers.
posted by macaroon at 2:24 PM
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