Every Thought, Every Day
I went to bed last night thinking the same thing I was when I woke up. Johnny. I want him all the time. It's way past that whole normal infatuation thing, but I think that the way our play has been lately has done something new and different for me. I always wanted him from a physical standpoint, from an emotional space, but the way my thoughts wrap around him now is beyond physiological comprehension.
My mother always warned me about obsession. I wondered if I was someone who could have the capacity to become obsessed with something, someone. It seems logical from an emotional side; I have the tendency to connect with people in what I think is a very real way. I think that's more rare than I had originally anticipated. And I don't think it has everything to do with me. Because when it's one-sided, it looks like what it does with B. I devote everything to one person and generally get fuck-all for my commitment. Well, let's be fair, not fuck-all, but not like with Johnny.
Am I confused? The timing with him was so good, but then again, so bad. I am constantly aware that I am forcing myself to look at the whole picture. If B and I weren't together, I wouldn't have to do that. I could just say: fuck it, I'm in love -- and be happy and proud, and lucky and squeaky. But because of the way this happened, I say, "Am I in love? Or am I just replacing one with the other? Is Johnny just something to get me through this current fucked-spiral? How can I love two people at once? How can I love one more than the other? How can I pick me over him? How can I pick Him over him? What the fuck is wrong with me that I prolong this? How can I get involved with Him while he hates me so much, while he loves me so much? When does one life stop and the next begin? What's fair? What's right? What's going to do the least damage?"
I was very close last night to breaking a promise. The emotional strain of this whole situation has been so hard. I wanted my blade back really badly. I am afraid that if I still had it, things would be different this morning. I hate not having a way to hurt on the outside. I think it's true that part of the reason I do that is because I can look at the scars and say, "See? I hurt too. You can see it now." I got too good at feeling nothing, hiding what I did feel. Yeah, I need to punish myself for inflicting pain on someone else. That too. I want to hurt for hurting him.
I still hurt, but he can't know that. Not when I am smiles and jokes and all the bullshit things I do to try and take his mind off of it. I feel disgusting wanting someone to take care of me through this. I don't deserve it, I know. I'm the one doing this. He's right. I should hurt and no one should say, "It's okay. You're doing what's best for you." Because I still don't really believe that I should get what's best for me.
This is the wrong place to be saying all of this, I know. But I have no where else to say it. I'm sorry.
It's part of what I think when I wake up, when I go to sleep. Johnny. I want him. I want him around me, behind me, with his body pressed tight against me so I can shut the rest of this out. I shouldn't be doing this to myself still. I don't know what else to do.
My mother always warned me about obsession. I wondered if I was someone who could have the capacity to become obsessed with something, someone. It seems logical from an emotional side; I have the tendency to connect with people in what I think is a very real way. I think that's more rare than I had originally anticipated. And I don't think it has everything to do with me. Because when it's one-sided, it looks like what it does with B. I devote everything to one person and generally get fuck-all for my commitment. Well, let's be fair, not fuck-all, but not like with Johnny.
Am I confused? The timing with him was so good, but then again, so bad. I am constantly aware that I am forcing myself to look at the whole picture. If B and I weren't together, I wouldn't have to do that. I could just say: fuck it, I'm in love -- and be happy and proud, and lucky and squeaky. But because of the way this happened, I say, "Am I in love? Or am I just replacing one with the other? Is Johnny just something to get me through this current fucked-spiral? How can I love two people at once? How can I love one more than the other? How can I pick me over him? How can I pick Him over him? What the fuck is wrong with me that I prolong this? How can I get involved with Him while he hates me so much, while he loves me so much? When does one life stop and the next begin? What's fair? What's right? What's going to do the least damage?"
I was very close last night to breaking a promise. The emotional strain of this whole situation has been so hard. I wanted my blade back really badly. I am afraid that if I still had it, things would be different this morning. I hate not having a way to hurt on the outside. I think it's true that part of the reason I do that is because I can look at the scars and say, "See? I hurt too. You can see it now." I got too good at feeling nothing, hiding what I did feel. Yeah, I need to punish myself for inflicting pain on someone else. That too. I want to hurt for hurting him.
I still hurt, but he can't know that. Not when I am smiles and jokes and all the bullshit things I do to try and take his mind off of it. I feel disgusting wanting someone to take care of me through this. I don't deserve it, I know. I'm the one doing this. He's right. I should hurt and no one should say, "It's okay. You're doing what's best for you." Because I still don't really believe that I should get what's best for me.
This is the wrong place to be saying all of this, I know. But I have no where else to say it. I'm sorry.
It's part of what I think when I wake up, when I go to sleep. Johnny. I want him. I want him around me, behind me, with his body pressed tight against me so I can shut the rest of this out. I shouldn't be doing this to myself still. I don't know what else to do.
posted by macaroon at 9:16 AM
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