Mother Lie Pt. 1
So, I found out what the Mother Lie was. It was big. Bigger than I had anticipated. But I am getting comfortable with it now and trying to stop mulling it over in my head. The problem is that I now have eight months of histories I have to recreate. And not just recreate, but fabricate. I have to ask myself which was true and what the parts came from. Example: Did he have roommates and moreover, if not, where did the stories come from? You have to understand, everything that is said reminds me that I can't trust what I have known.
He says he wishes we could go back to the way things were before the Mother Lie was exposed. I don'think this is true. I think what he means is: I wish we could go back to the way you precieved me because I really liked the way it made me feel. This makes me nervous. It's the same nervousness I get about some of his stories, when the picture is painted too perfectly, and not fantasy perfect -- reality perfect. I worried that he was falling in love with the story.
And now I know the real reality and I could get over it, but I am not sure that he can. I'm not sure he will recover well from having to work from this angle. He wasn't all-together happy in the facade. Oddly enough though, I am the least hung up on the details as they pertain to the kink. Of course, the second all this happened, the roles were sketch again. I had just started getting to a place where I had accepted certain truths that I had been denying, submitting to behaviors I would otherwise find demeaning, exposing the next level of my shame-filled kink. And yeah, this shook all of that.
And so he stepped back.
It's the obvious route. It's expected, maybe even appropriate. But right now when I am going "ohshit-ohshit-ohshit," don't fucking bail. It's not fucking easy to put shit aside and keep going, especially when he knows I'm heated, spooked, when he's embarassed and stressed. It's the worst time to tighten up for him. But I still sort of need it. No, I need it more right now. If you pull back, I'm going to pull back harder.
Tier 3 has a lot to do with these sorts of things, if I may speak bluntly and still ambiguously. But in the end, I don't know why I am so humiliated and ashamed of this, but I still need him to be that same force. I am pushing hard and he's retreating. I want this so much, but constantly questioning how much he wants this part of us and having to guess my place as the hour, whim passes, makes me disgustingly hostile, aggravating and impossible. Whatever he says, in reverse.
There's more to this, but I am tired. I'll be back.
He says he wishes we could go back to the way things were before the Mother Lie was exposed. I don'think this is true. I think what he means is: I wish we could go back to the way you precieved me because I really liked the way it made me feel. This makes me nervous. It's the same nervousness I get about some of his stories, when the picture is painted too perfectly, and not fantasy perfect -- reality perfect. I worried that he was falling in love with the story.
And now I know the real reality and I could get over it, but I am not sure that he can. I'm not sure he will recover well from having to work from this angle. He wasn't all-together happy in the facade. Oddly enough though, I am the least hung up on the details as they pertain to the kink. Of course, the second all this happened, the roles were sketch again. I had just started getting to a place where I had accepted certain truths that I had been denying, submitting to behaviors I would otherwise find demeaning, exposing the next level of my shame-filled kink. And yeah, this shook all of that.
And so he stepped back.
It's the obvious route. It's expected, maybe even appropriate. But right now when I am going "ohshit-ohshit-ohshit," don't fucking bail. It's not fucking easy to put shit aside and keep going, especially when he knows I'm heated, spooked, when he's embarassed and stressed. It's the worst time to tighten up for him. But I still sort of need it. No, I need it more right now. If you pull back, I'm going to pull back harder.
Tier 3 has a lot to do with these sorts of things, if I may speak bluntly and still ambiguously. But in the end, I don't know why I am so humiliated and ashamed of this, but I still need him to be that same force. I am pushing hard and he's retreating. I want this so much, but constantly questioning how much he wants this part of us and having to guess my place as the hour, whim passes, makes me disgustingly hostile, aggravating and impossible. Whatever he says, in reverse.
There's more to this, but I am tired. I'll be back.
posted by macaroon at 12:52 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home