God Dammit
I just wrote a whole post and my fucking computer deleted it. I'm fucking pissed.
The jist of it was that I miss the kink. I miss the puppy stuff. The slut-torture; I miss the way I would be forced, over and over, to get close to cumming, and then denied. I miss the kink.
It seems like we can't have kink and relationship together. And now it's about the relationship. Which is fine. Just that in many ways, I still think that there is a fucked up application of the kink to the relationship. I love the word convenience. I am supposed to respect the kink system of relating, address him properly, ask for what I want, but then shut up and go along for the ride when relationship and future-type issues come up? I am supposed to accept that my future is in his hands and pose no questions, ask for no qualifications or reasoning? I could do this if he were the all-powerful Oz: ever-Dom and master of control. But he isn't. It's not the way we work. The kink is turned on and shut off at our convenience. Rather, his convenience.
And I don't want to be in charge of my own consequences. Rules, routines, heirachies. Can I please piss? Can I please stand? Can I please walk five feet away to do something? No hot water, no beverages. And then, if I don't, how will he know? I would have to tell him. I would have to confess, and then what? More privileges revoked? How would he know? I could lie. I have lied. He doesn't know. I don't even feel bad because I have to bring it up myself.
I'm a spanko. I like pain and spankings, and immediate consequences and balance and resistance and tests of wills and forgiveness and instruction. I'm not a slave; I'm not easily broken, desirous of pure servitude. I like the exchange. But what exchange here? He can't see any of it. And if I do confess, he is pissed off. He says I don't take it seriously. What do I take seriously? I can deny myself things. I can do all of that. It's not generally about that except for show or when it's convenient to his relationship argument.
I'm waiting for him to do something. Fix this. I know it's unfair, but it's the nature of our relationship. Response. Show me, teach me, train me, punish me. Come up with something. It's your job. Just like it's my job to start writing the second you say, "Make me cum." And I do. And I do longer when it's necessary. And you're not doing it. You're not doing your half and deciding where our kink goes. I want it to go somewhere, do something. And when I make suggestions, cause you ask me to, and you don't follow through, what am I supposed to think? I want stories too. I want my signature in the mail. I want the next bit. Fucking make something up and do it. Stop waiting for me to tell you what I want. This isn't a solitary situation. Be fucking creative. Kink me!! Fuck.
I'm fucking frustrated. It's fucking frustrating. This is probably about something else, but I know that I feel this way sometimes. I want to be punished. I want it to happen to me. I don't want to do it to myself. I don't want to be confused. I'm really confused. This isn't making sense.
Fuck it all.
The jist of it was that I miss the kink. I miss the puppy stuff. The slut-torture; I miss the way I would be forced, over and over, to get close to cumming, and then denied. I miss the kink.
It seems like we can't have kink and relationship together. And now it's about the relationship. Which is fine. Just that in many ways, I still think that there is a fucked up application of the kink to the relationship. I love the word convenience. I am supposed to respect the kink system of relating, address him properly, ask for what I want, but then shut up and go along for the ride when relationship and future-type issues come up? I am supposed to accept that my future is in his hands and pose no questions, ask for no qualifications or reasoning? I could do this if he were the all-powerful Oz: ever-Dom and master of control. But he isn't. It's not the way we work. The kink is turned on and shut off at our convenience. Rather, his convenience.
And I don't want to be in charge of my own consequences. Rules, routines, heirachies. Can I please piss? Can I please stand? Can I please walk five feet away to do something? No hot water, no beverages. And then, if I don't, how will he know? I would have to tell him. I would have to confess, and then what? More privileges revoked? How would he know? I could lie. I have lied. He doesn't know. I don't even feel bad because I have to bring it up myself.
I'm a spanko. I like pain and spankings, and immediate consequences and balance and resistance and tests of wills and forgiveness and instruction. I'm not a slave; I'm not easily broken, desirous of pure servitude. I like the exchange. But what exchange here? He can't see any of it. And if I do confess, he is pissed off. He says I don't take it seriously. What do I take seriously? I can deny myself things. I can do all of that. It's not generally about that except for show or when it's convenient to his relationship argument.
I'm waiting for him to do something. Fix this. I know it's unfair, but it's the nature of our relationship. Response. Show me, teach me, train me, punish me. Come up with something. It's your job. Just like it's my job to start writing the second you say, "Make me cum." And I do. And I do longer when it's necessary. And you're not doing it. You're not doing your half and deciding where our kink goes. I want it to go somewhere, do something. And when I make suggestions, cause you ask me to, and you don't follow through, what am I supposed to think? I want stories too. I want my signature in the mail. I want the next bit. Fucking make something up and do it. Stop waiting for me to tell you what I want. This isn't a solitary situation. Be fucking creative. Kink me!! Fuck.
I'm fucking frustrated. It's fucking frustrating. This is probably about something else, but I know that I feel this way sometimes. I want to be punished. I want it to happen to me. I don't want to do it to myself. I don't want to be confused. I'm really confused. This isn't making sense.
Fuck it all.
posted by macaroon at 11:32 PM
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